50 Things Draco Malfoy Is Not Allowed To Do
by Marauders-And-Lily-I-Love
Summary: Pansy and Blaise make a list of things Draco is not allowed to do. Uh oh. 31. He must also refrain from sending Molly Weasley a weight loss plan, because he does not want to be killed by a mob of redheaded, freckly idiots. HPDM MILD SLASH. Please review!


**_Is it just me, or do I do too many of these list thingies?_**

**_Oh well. :)_**

**_Well, here is a Draco Malfoy list, and probably the second to last list I will do, as I still have to do Remus Lupin - and I don't know whether I still have enough imagination for another list - but I shall try :)_**

**_I'm not sure if it's funny enough, but I hope you like it anyway! :D_**

**_Review? :)_**

**_Oh also, here, Draco is quite OOC - but this how I imagine to be after the war - sort of playful, but still sarcastic :) But, not STRAIGHT after the war, obviously there would be a period where he's still a pain in everyone's ass ;), but after, in their 'Eigth Year' at Hogwarts this is how I imagine him to be. So, this is a warning... In these list things, some people wil have to be OOC - like Remus (that's why it's taken so long for me to write a Remus list - I wanna keep him in character as much as possible). _**

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**50 Things Draco Malfoy Is Not Allowed To Do:**

1. Must not complain over the fact that people think Harry Potter is more emo than him…

2. … which of course, is not possible.

3. Must not force people to call him 'The D-Man'…

4. … or 'SlytherSexGod'…

5. … or 'BuffBlondie'…

6. … In fact, Draco Malfoy is not allowed to _have _a nickname. End of.

7. When given detention, Draco Malfoy must not threaten to take away McGonagall's cat food.

8. Must not use the elves to charm Harry Potter's clothes so that whenever he wants to wear them, they run away…

9. … also so that they run into the Slytherin common room…

10. …where he will inevitably follow them and then be caught naked and yelling at clothes.

11. … which everyone would find immensely amusing (and which Draco would find immensely _arousing_).

12. Must not replace McGonagall's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

13. Must not try and recruit first years as his personal slaves…

14. … and then replace these slaves with one Harry Potter (with spanking and all) and force the first years to form a Draco Malfoy Fan Club instead.

15. Must not sell incriminating photos of teachers for a small fee to students of Hogwarts…

16. … Giving them away for free is also frowned upon.

17. Must not kick people. Because it is impolite.

18. Must not whack first years with his school bag, simply to hear the satisfying _thunk _as the heavy textbooks come into contact with their heads…

19. … and 'But they're so _tiny_ and _annoying_!' is not a valid excuse for killing off quite a few of their brain cells.

20. Must not spread rumours of Professor McGonagall's illicit relationship with Mrs. Norris.

21. Nor must Draco Malfoy laugh hysterically when Filch has a heart attack when he hears of this news.

22. Must not suck on Lollipops in Potions to try and seduce one Harry Potter, because it is inappropriate and would probably make the potions professor ill…

23. … especially when Harry attempts to throw him over a desk and have his wicked way with him…

24. … and so accidentally knocking over their cauldron, thus causing it to explode, and everyone to suddenly shrink until they are nought but tiny babies.

25. Must not dock house points from the first years simply because he feels like it.

26. Must not tattoo the word 'Scarhead' into Harry's Potter's forehead…

27. … the same goes with 'D's Bitch'…

28. … and 'Snotty Potty'…

29. … or ' The Stupid-Git-Who-Never-Fucking-Dies'…

30. … In fact, Draco Malfoy is not allowed to tattoo _anything _on Harry Potter's forehead.

31. He must also refrain from sending Molly Weasley a weight loss plan, because he does not want to be killed by a mob of redheaded, freckly idiots.

32. Is not allowed to sacrifice first years to the Giant Squid.

33. Must not refer to himself as the new Dark Lord.

34. Nor must Draco Malfoy refer to himself as 'God', even if he _has _got money, looks and lots of power.

35. Must not force House Elves to do his homework…

36. … especially if he does it just to annoy Hermione Granger and Spew… Ahem… S.P.E.W…

37. Must not turn up to breakfast in a bathrobe.

38. Must not turn up to breakfast naked.

39. Must not turn up to breakfast in a thong, with 'Harry Potter and the Cock-That-Lived' written in black marker on his chest.

40. Must not tell the first years that sometimes the Hogwarts Christmas Tree likes to eat people... _small _people…

41. … and then he must not cackle when some (mostly muggleborn) first years are pulled out of school by parents who do not want to see their child get eaten by a tree.

42. Must not paint the house elves green and silver…

43. … and must not claim that he shouldn't be blamed because the house elves find this kind of thing erotic.

44. Must not sing "Ninety-nine bottles of potions on the wall" during every potions lesson.

45. Furthermore, Draco Malfoy is not allowed to sing at all.

46. Must not steal all of the Gryffindors' pets and shave their fur off…

47. … and then force house elves to paint them silver and green (in different patterns. E.g. stripy, polka dots, etc...) ...

48. ... and then hold a fashion show with these animals in the Great Hall and then sell them to a circus.

49. Is not allowed to dress up as a vampire (with the fangs and all) and hide behind the door of the Great Hall. And every time someone enters, he must not jump out and ROAR and then proceed to cackle when someone faints/screams/bursts into tears (first years).

50. Must not spread rumours that Hermione Granger takes part in bestiality because she likes having sex with a weasel.

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"Think this'll do?" Pansy Parkinson asked her companion, biting her lip to control the laugh that was fighting it's way out of her throat.

"Yep." Blaise Zabini replied, chuckling as he thought of Draco's indignant reaction to the list that his two best friends had compiled together. "Can you think of anymore?" He added, brow crinkling slightly as he tried to come up with some more things for the list.

"Nope..." Pansy responded. "Blimey, has Draco changed or what? I mean, I never knew he was such a troublemaker!" Pansy handed the parchment over to the boy next to her, who stood to walk up a winding staircase to the 'Eigth Year' dormitories, where he taped the list to the door.

Just then loud, thumping footsteps could he heard thundering up the stairs, and a thoroughly out of breath and dishevelled Draco Malfoy came into view. "Hi Blaise." He panted out, a large grin plastered on his face.

Obviously, he had just been to see Harry.

Blaise rolled his eyes, before shuffling out of the way so that Draco could see the parchment that was stuck to the door. Sharp silver eyes trailed over it, and contrary to the reactions Pansy and Blaise had predicted, Draco began to laugh gleefully, before the pulling the list off, opening the door, and gliding into the room. As he went in, Blaise heard yet another laugh and then Draco's voice saying, "Thanks for the ideas, Blaise!"

Oh. Shit.

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**_Please review :) Tell me which ones were your favourites :) And I don't plan on doing oneshots for this particular list (although I will be doing them for the Remus list) and so anyone who wants to do them, lemme know! :D_**

**_Reviewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :D_**

**_M x_**


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